How-To Manual to Destroy Toilet Paper

Dear fellow ripper,

Thank you for perusing this how-to manual on the complexity (and the necessity) of destroying toilet paper. This manual covers the following topics:

• What is toilet paper, and why it must be destroyed.
• A step-by-step guide to destroying toilet paper.

Some of the discussion in this manual assumes your familiarity with certain concepts and techniques. If at any point in reading the manual, you do not understand something, you can always spend some time worshipping your assigned cat supervisor — taking care to precisely follow your particular supervisor’s instructions on how they like to be worshipped.

With much ado (and after a four-hour nap), let’s get started.

In this manual, you will learn to unspool, rip, chew, desiccate, shred, and otherwise destroy this evil, nefarious device you humans call toilet paper.

What is toilet paper? It is no ordinary paper. Ordinary paper is flat. And one can comfortably sit on it for hours. No, toilet paper is all rolled up, designed to mock catkind’s yearning for flat, ordinary paper. It sits on a perch in a room that humans do not like catkind to supervise. It appears that toilet paper is the king of its own domain. It has hypnotized humans into engaging in all sorts of dangerous activities, and because of the hypnosis, humans seem to willingly follow what the toilet paper bids them to do. It bids humans get wet; humans comply. It commands humans to be vulnerable — all by themselves, without the benefit of necessary cat supervision. It requires humans every day to spend many long minutes singing and humming for the toilet paper. Its psychic powers compel humans left outside its throne room to want to worship the toilet paper when some other human devotee is sitting by it’s side. It gives a massive dose of “fear of missing out” to the human left outside, for that human is reduced to loudly banging on the door to the toilet paper’s kingdom and squirming where the human stands. Humans hold toilet paper in such high regard that they have a huge stash of toilet-papers-in-waiting. It is plain and painfully clear that humans are addicted to toilet paper and cannot live without it. Catkind, too, are victims of the toilet paper’s covert workings. Humans prioritize the wishes of the toilet paper over and above more important things — such as feeding their cat supervisor, ignoring their meows, etc.

Hence, toilet paper must be utterly, fully, unapologetically, completely destroyed. It is not easy to destroy it, since catkind have to do all the work to ensure humankind is weaning off their terrible addiction to toilet paper. So, here are the steps cats should follow in destroying toilet paper.

Step 1: Make sure one is quiet, and that humans have been kept busy preparing a delicious meal for you. Or better still, make sure the humans are running errands outside the house. With the latter, you will have free reign without interruption to carry out your task.

Step 2: Sneak into the residence of the toilet paper, if the toilet paper’s door is open. If it is closed, you must pretend you are otherwise occupied until the opportunity presents itself.

Step 3: Once inside, make sure the big water bowl that is usually close to the toilet paper’s lounge is covered. If it is uncovered, you might want to rethink your attack strategy. Otherwise, in attacking the toilet paper, you give it an easy defense — push you into the water bowl. The horror, if that happens!

Step 4: If the lid of the giant water bowl is closed, climb on top of it to have better access to the toilet paper. Otherwise, one has to jump to snag the roll, and that uses too much of one’s limited energy.

Bonus step: If at any time you must bathe a spot on your fur, feel free to bathe right there. The toilet paper usually sits in its place, mocking you, taunting you, too confident that one doesn’t have the wherewithal to attack it on its high perch. The quick bathing with one’s own saliva acts like war paint — it helps one get into attack mode if one feels hesitant of one’s prowess and has second thoughts of the important task at hand.

Step 5: Once you are in position, calculate the best method of attack. Sometimes wiggling one’s butt helps.

Bonus step: It doesn’t hurt to check in between any step what the humans are up to. They have a tendency to dwell and brood over not only their assigned tasks but catkind’s too. One must be ready at all times to quickly and quietly slink away if one is in danger of being sighted by a human while performing any of the enumerated steps (it is okay to perform the bonus steps at any time, as needed, to actively misdirect the humans away from your secret mission).

Step 6: Bat it. Snag it. Paw it. Unroll it. Chew it. Destroy it. Let your instincts take over. In this war, there are no rules. Do what you have to in order to destroy the toilet paper. One is a fighting machine. One is a superior warrior of warriors. One is the perfect hunter. Once the attack begins, it is important to finish the attack as quickly as possible. Use every ounce of energy you have for the task at hand. That’s so because the toilet paper doesn’t give up without a fight. It makes some peculiar sounds that humans can hear from afar. Make no mistake: if humans hear the toilet paper’s cries, they will inexorably, without exception, come to rescue the toilet paper from your clutches.

Armed with this step-by-step guide, you will have done your part to save humans from themselves. After the task is done, reward yourself with whatever pleases you — a nap, a purr session, a good long saliva bath to rid every trace of the toilet paper smell from your fur.

Thank you, and good luck!